My friend Mark came to me the other day in desperate need of help. Having taken his wife around the Easter Show for a horrible date night, his marriage was at risk of completely and utterly toppling!
“Relax, Mark” I said to him, “I know just what to do”.
So armed with his last $50, I set out onto the grounds of the Easter Show in search of the perfect show bag and gift to win back her favour. And this is what I did.
STEP 1- GOT LUNCH
I actually can’t work on an empty stomach. I can’t think straight and I am not the best version of myself. So when I felt those first few rumbles in my belly after leaving the Show Radio studios, I took swift action. For the gentle price of $13 I ordered myself some chipotle corn ribs from Smoking Gringos at the Honky Tonk bar, which went down beautifully. Mark wasn’t too pleased, but he had to trust the process.
STEP 2- PLAYED A CARNIVAL GAME
Mark asked me to use his $50 to buy a gift for his wife, which to me, felt like he was throwing money at a problem and hoping it would be enough. That’s not what women value though. They want somebody who can provide for them in a far more meaningful and noble way. So I stopped by one of the carnival games and paid $10 to kick a ball through a hole. If I made it? I would be the proud owner of a Lionel Messi jersey that I would be able to pass on to Mark who would then be able to pass it on to his wife. If I lost? I would have spent $23 of Mark’s money and have nothing to show for it. I did not win.
STEP 3- BOUGHT A SHOW BAG
After faffing around for long enough (trust the process) I entered the lions den: the show bag pavillion. Inside there were people calling to me from every corner of the room, offering their wares in exchange for what little cash I had left. I felt like I was a shark from the show Shark Tank and everybody else was a fish trying to get my attention because of how rich and brilliant I am. I have not seen the show Shark Tank.
The one thing I knew about Mark’s wife was that she is vegan. And if there’s one thing vegans hate, it’s animal products. With that in mind, I approached a show bag stall and asked the lady working there for her cheapest and most vegan friendly option. After a bit of back and forth in which she seemed vaguely confident that her friend (also a vegan) ate Skittles, I walked away with a Skittles show bag for just $6. Mark’s wife would love it!
STEP 4- WATCHED THE DOG SHOW
After all my hard work, I needed a break, and the dog show offered the perfect opportunity for one. Sitting in the crowd and watching the dogs run through hoops and jump over walls gave me the Mark’s Wife Detox I had been needing. It felt like for the last hour all I had thought about was Mark’s wife and what would please her. And to make matters worse, Mark had just called me and said that Skittles aren’t even vegan. What a kill joy!
STEP 5- GOT A TATTOO
Women love big gestures. They want to be shown that you care about them. Flowers, chocolates, teddy bears- they’re all fine gifts for an angry missus but they are only fleeting. With time, they will wilt, or be eaten, or be donated to an op shop. I knew that with the money I had left in my pocket, I had to do something that would prove to Mark’s wife that he cared about her. And that is why I got a tattoo on my neck in her honour. The tattoo artist informed me that the most romantic stencil they had was the word “loyalty” written in a language described only as “Asian”. Happy enough with that suggestion, I gave him the last of Mark’s money and presented my neck for him to improve. If Mark’s wife didn’t see this as the meaningful, beautiful gesture it was, then maybe they just weren’t meant to be together in the first place.
Back in the studio, I showed Mark my new tattoo and he seemed thrilled! He really had nothing to worry about this whole time. It was like I told him: trust the process. My methods might be unconventional, but they get the job done. And that’s why I’m pleased to say Mark and his wife are still together today. The tattoo, on the other hand, is fading more and more with every shower I take.
